Meine größe Liebe. My great Love. These words were on a coffee mug as we were packing up his old apartment to bid it goodbye. It was an unusually large mug to emphasize the words. “I think my grandma gave this to my mom,” he said.
It was funny for me to see this mug. I had a harrowing experience in Germany being slapped around by the foolishness of my youth. When I saw German words on a mug, I almost felt a knee-jerk response to grimace and gripe. My time staying in Germany put the greatest mistaken notions of my youth to the test and face to face with the stupidity of thinking that all the wrong things were right for me. I lost it all there. The space emptied out was what I needed to contain the greatest love I never saw coming. Love for myself, love for life, and love for another.
Here, in the present back home in California, I was face-to-face with the reality of a life where I absolutely cherish and adore all of these seemingly normal things that I once thought weren’t really for me. Being happy with a leveler and a power drill, installing floating shelving with someone I care about. Finding delight in watering and tending to plants. Decorating the house with seasonal decor. Painting the main living areas taupe and the entryway a deep, dark blue. All of these things, I always wanted to have, didn’t know how, yet I knew I would.
There is a great sense peace and acceptance. Things like this reminder of Germany would have once shaken me up and triggered the crap out of my insecurities. This is no longer the case. Happiness is the new normal. Having great love in my life is the new normal. Meine größe Liebe Schatz. My great precious love.
I laid my regrets to rest and felt a great sense of fullness. All that I had lost and squandered in the past was far lesser than what I had come to gain. My losses and squanderings are a valid part of all that I give thanks for in my life.
“Honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had.”
Thank God those friendship fallouts, whacky dates, crap jobs, loser mistakes, all of those times everything was all wrong, was the way that it was. Would I have come to find what I have now as desirable? Would I have been motivated and led the same way to end up here? I had to lose all the wrong people to love myself, claim my deservingness, and be with the person who now is with me in my life investing in my health, happiness, success, and fulfillment, as I do the same for him. The ways in which I can engage in life, relating, and actualization could not be realized until I let go of all those things I didn’t truly stand for. I can’t console anyone by telling them that what’s not for them is as important as what is for them, but I can assure you that we can be thankful for both.