This year, I am doing Thanksgiving my way. Many years of my life, I have received so many gracious offers from so many kind-hearted people whose intentions were very thoughtful. Today, I haven’t taken an offer to be somewhere because I feel obligated. Growing up, I didn’t have Thanksgiving as a normal part of my life. A lot of things weren’t necessarily traditional. My significant other recently gave me a book called How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t by Lane Moore, which he heard about on NPR. In this book, I found a sense of closure for so much of my young life. This author got it, with a dash of self-deprecating humor sauce added on. Another human being on this planet finally told the world about the awkwardness of navigating experiences with little to no guidance along the way from early on in life. But wait! Those don’t have to be your only formative years! Because of her work, I can admit to it without so much of the shame and shyness anymore.
I didn’t grow up with a family, home, or community like most people. During junior college about a decade ago, people who got to know that I spent my holidays working because I had nowhere to be started inviting me over to their families’ homes. I felt pitied, which wasn’t a great feeling. Reflecting from the rearview mirror having long since departed from all that, I now can see that I have had many wonderful Thanksgivings and Christmases with different families from different cultural backgrounds having all kinds of exciting adventures from goat heads with their skull caps cut off like something out of Silence of the Lambs and incredible Italian hospitality. Today, I am choosing to stay in at home not because I don’t want to be anywhere anymore or that I just want to be alone, but because I have finally learned how to humor myself and the experiences that I once had. I have shifted out of that paradigm that I was in.
I still find it absolutely lovely to be invited to places. I had a wonderful offer from a colleague, but I thought carefully about what my own needs were and politely declined. I have been going through nearly an entire year’s worth of pushing off my needs to work and to push my position upward in life. This has been very important, yes, but as you can see the previous post on my tarot reading for the energies of tonight’s full moon in Gemini, it is a time of replenishment. My significant other is away visiting family and I am having a stay-in day. We have declared our own belated Thanksgiving Day rather than having a mandated day upon which Thanksgiving should be. We’re perfectly happy with this. Our many sublime plans include a pork roast, a Cornish hen marinated in Argentinian chimichurri sauce, homemade brioche, and roasted vegetables.
This year is the first Thanksgiving in three years that I have had as a time of peace in life, not having to feel like I have to keep gunning it. I have white-knuckled through the past three years of my life. There have been so many harrowing experiences. In just the latter half of this year, I’ve come to a state of tremendous grace in my life. My reasons for being so quiet and still today is that I am so impressed by it all. I am marveling at it all. It is absolutely sublime. There are no words to describe what this is like. In 2015 there were some experiences which were a sort of personal culling or separation of chaff from grain. In 2016, a friend of mine found that his kid brother was hit by a car and passed away on Thanksgiving Day. In 2017 around this time of year, a friend of mine went to the emergency room for supposed food poisoning and never came back out. I also stayed in a hotel where a man fell from the rooftop, landed on an SUV windshield below, and passed away. These were rather dark Thanksgivings. The past three years of my life were challenging. They weren’t the worst experiences that any human being could ever have nor where they the best. They definitely tested me on many levels.
In recent months, I have come across uncanny experiences of closure. Once, my significant other and I were looking at something which was listed for sale and we went to go look at the item. When we got to the location of person’s apartment, I looked across the street and was quite shaken that this was the exact place where I had once lived when I was super broke and terrified of whether I would make it in life. Just a few days ago, I took an Uber car share home from work and passed by a place where I had a job interview about a year ago. This company is headquartered primarily in one city and has a division location where I had a job interview and sat in a cafe located in their building to have an almond milk latte. My ex’s girlfriend contacted me and I found that her mother was my former neighbor. I had an experience a few months ago which reminded me of a horrific childhood trauma. The feelings that came up from this were feelings that I never wanted to feel ever again in my life nor had I ever expected to. These remarkable experiences have been profoundly healing, almost like they’ve cauterized psychosomatic wounds I’ve had in life. I’m having an Elsa moment of letting it go!
Oh… not that kind of letting it go…
Turn away and slam the door!
I am so amazed by the levels of energy I have in life now, how healthy I am, and how surrounded by love I am. The empowering experiences I have been having have been humbling. Feeling greatness makes me feel nestled into a sense of transcendent belonging, like there is this great big wing of grace enveloping me with the softest feathers with the most powerful muscles underneath. It was a transcendent experience for me to go grocery shopping today. Do you know what it’s like to go grocery shopping in California versus Germany? Goodness gracious, we have such a glorious abundance of varieties of fresh fruits and vegetables. Do you know what it felt like to pick out a pork roast, then decide afterward not to decide between pork roast or Cornish hen, but rather to have both? It’s wonderful! Life is so absolutely colorful. It’s a tremendous feeling.
Sometimes, people are puzzled by the look I have on my face when I’m lost in awe. I can’t even talk anymore. My significant other is flying back into LAX tomorrow. I have been missing him so much every day he’s been away, I am floored with how much I anticipate his return. How can one human being touch your heart so indelibly? The home I have now to live in, the loving partner I have in my life, the fact that I own my own business, the work I do, all of my life’s journeys… I am so, so, so deeply thankful for it all. Having this day off to let it all sink in is an incredibly restorative experience. Do you know? I wandered all about town today from one closed store to another looking for wrapping paper because I was so excited to get on with Christmas present wrapping already.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May we all experience what it is to be profoundly grateful.
“It’s one woman’s wry, wise, sometimes funny and often melancholy reminder that friends can be demanding and complicating, love is imperfect and obligating, and you can’t count on a hard-charging cavalry of people who were just right for you to come riding over the hill and sweep you away. Maybe they should just keep on riding.”
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